The Way Out Is Through

If you recognized the title of this post, CONGRATULATIONS! You and I have more in common than a love of science and medicine - we also have in common a thorough knowledge of the Nine Inch Nails music catalogue.

Seriously, though, the title of this blog post is a meaningful one for me now. With all that has been going on in my life - serious upheaval and loss and decision-making - the song I reference in this blog post title (which is from NIN's double-album, "The Fragile"), and its lyrics (while simple) are quite poignant to me right now. I would like to share them:

"The Fragile" album cover

"The Way Out Is Through"

all I've undergone
I will keep on
underneath it all
we feel so small
the heavens fall
but still we crawl
all I've undergone
I will keep on


I know, I know ... Nine Inch Nails has a reputation for some serious negativity. That reputation is partly deserved (although only partly, if you know Trent Reznor's later music). But that's besides the point. The point is that when you are "underneath it all," the way really is through - through the difficulties, the pain. That's how you get past it. But even when "the heavens fall," perhaps when we feel like we can't stand up in the darkness, we can still crawl, and keep on. The opening and final lines, "all I've undergone / I will keep on" are so on-point as well - after going through so much, I don't want to give up. I refuse to.

I will keep on. No matter what.

The Mirror Image Of Life

I was talking to a dear friend on the phone this morning (you know who you are!). She is a very intelligent, wonderful, beautiful, and insightful woman, and we got talking about the basis and origins of life. Yes, the basis and origins of life ... at 6:30 a.m. This is what the two of us do. We are a bit nuts. We come at these conversations (which happen with great frequency) from very different perspectives. She is a Muslim, I am an atheist. She is a future chemist, I am a future geneticist/physician. But the fact that we have different backgrounds enriches our dialogues, and brings us both to a greater understanding of the world around us, each other, and ourselves. It is an amazing tango of science and philosophy.

Back to the origins of life. In biochemistry, which I took last semester, we learned various theories about how life *may* have begun. Theories about RNA, DNA, and various other macromolecules coming into existence due to environmental and atmospheric changes. My friend and I were talking about those theories this morning. She, who also took biochemistry (although in a different section), then said something very interesting. She said that science cannot explain life. It just can't. It's not about whether God does or does not exist. (She knows my views on that subject, and respects them.) Science simply cannot explain how molecules went from nonliving to living. That transformation eludes explanation. In one of her most brilliant future-chemist moments, she then went on to say that one difference between life and non-life, one way to understand this difference, is related to chirality.

To quote my dear friend: There is an inherent relationship between chirality and life.

Two examples of chirality: a hand,
and the amino acid alanine

For those of you who have never suffered through organic chemistry, allow me to explain the concept of chirality. An object that is chiral is non-superimposable on its mirror image. An object that is achiral is superimposable on its mirror image. Here is an example. Take your hand. Hold it up to a mirror. The mirror image of your hand cannot be placed exactly over your actual hand, with the physical features of your hands aligning properly. Therefore, your hand is chiral. (According to Wikipedia, the word "chiral" is actually derived from the Greek word for hand, kheir.)

In chemistry, as well as in the pharmaceutical industry, chirality has profound implications. For example, one version (called an "enantiomer") of a chiral molecule may be an active pain-relieving drug, while the other "enantiomer" may be very toxic to the body. The simple spatial rearrangement of the atoms can cause this dramatic shift in effect.

But what my dear friend was talking about is much more profound. I will explain. Take amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. In living organisms, amino acids are found in only one of their two enantiomeric forms. In the picture above, there are images of both L-alanine and D-alanine. These are the two enantiomeric versions of alanine, the simplest amino acid that exists. They contain the exact same atoms, but arranged differently in space around the central carbon atom. As we learned in biochemistry, "L" means "life." In other words, living organisms contain the "L" enantiomer of amino acids. Not the "D." This seemingly simple spatial rearrangement is literally the difference between a molecule that supports life and one that does not. If that isn't profound, I don't know what is.

This I Believe: Nothing Is Wasted

As a former journalist, I would like to think that I know good journalism when I see it. Or hear it. And NPR (National Public Radio) is indeed that. Aside from the "hard" news, I also enjoy the feature stories and radio "essays" that NPR broadcasts. One of my favorite segments along these lines is called "This I Believe." Based on a 1950s radio series hosted by Edward R. Murrow, "This I Believe" is not only a radio segment/podcast, but an international organization dedicated to providing people a venue for expressing their core beliefs and values. There is a Web site dedicated to the project, thisibelieve.org, which has archived 100,000 essays from people around the world. Discerning out what you believe, and articulating it, is no easy task. So having this collection of human values is indeed a treasure. Are you going to agree with every essay? Of course not. Many of the essays are on extremely controversial topics, such as immigration, abortion, and race (to name just a few). But the fact that these essays are there, collected, available for people to explore, is amazing to me.

I have never contributed an essay to this Web site. However, I realized this afternoon, as I was talking on the phone with a friend, what I would write about. I wouldn't tackle a hot-button issue. The belief I would want to share is more general in nature. Possibly less contentious, but who knows. So here we go ...

This I believe: Nothing is wasted.

I have believed this for some time, have shared this thought with family and friends. But now more than ever do I cling to this belief.

First, let me say that this belief statement is not in any way intended to have a religious connotation, and it is not the same as saying "everything happens for a reason." I am not a religious person at all. And I think when you say that everything happens for a reason, that could be construed as either implying a higher power of some sort (which is not part of my belief system), or rejecting responsibility for your own actions (i.e., I did something bad, but since everything happens for a reason, it's OK).

What I do mean by this belief statement is that if we so choose (and here I put an emphasis on an active "choosing"), we can learn from, and be changed by, by our experiences. Let me explain. It's easy enough to learn from positive experiences. If you have a supportive teacher, you are more likely to learn a subject, for example. But those negative, nasty, painful experiences - we tend to want to forget about those. I'm not saying I am glad bad things have happened to me (and quite a few have transpired the last year and a half). What I am saying is that I truly believe that I am a better person for them. Or at the least, that I will be some day. I believe, for example, that having gone through a divorce will make me a more empathetic physician. During my divorce, I also learned that I had to compartmentalize things (i.e., my grief) - not forever, but until I had a break - in order to get done what needed to get done (i.e., my school work). Those are both valuable skills, when executed and exercised appropriately.

OK, so positive experiences, duh, those teach us positive things. Negative experiences, while negative, can make us stronger people. Character-building, if you will. But what about the experiences that seem more neutral? That perhaps have taken you in a different direction (neither positive nor negative) than the one in which you are now traveling? Those are not wasted either, in my opinion.

Let me give another example to illustrate my point. My undergraduate education, originally, is in journalism. If I had stayed in journalism, that education would clearly have been a positive influence in my life, and contributed greatly to my future career. But now I am going into medicine. Some people might look at that and think, "What a waste! I wish I had just done medicine when I was younger, instead of wasting my time with this unrelated and useless education and career."

That, I believe, is completely the wrong way of looking at the situation. Am I going to be working as a journalist in the future? No (although I plan to continue writing). However, there are so, so many things I learned, skills I accumulated, during that time that will contribute to my becoming a better physician and researcher.

The writing skills set is obvious. As a scientist, you have to write scientific papers. I definitely know how to communicate my ideas in writing, and have shown that I can translate those written communication skills into the science arena. So there's one benefit. Another is interviewing skills. As a journalist, you live and die by your interviewing skills. If you don't ask the right questions, you don't get the right (or sometimes any!) answers, and hence can't write your story. I know how to develop and prepare questions, as well as shoot them off the cuff; how to develop rapport with people so that they feel comfortable answering even difficult and personal queries (which you obviously do quite frequently as a physician).

In addition, as a journalist I cultivated an intense curiosity about the world around me. I was a curious child, and as a journalist I was encouraged to hone that. To ask, not close-ended ("yes" / "no") questions about the world, but open-ended questions, such as "why"?

A perfect example: I was driving through the Wisconsin countryside during a camping trip this May, and my friend and I kept passing old barns. Old red barns. It dawned on me that nearly all the barns I'd ever seen - with few exceptions - had been red. I'd seen a few weathered, natural-wood ones, sure. But if a barn has a color, it's always red. This prompted one of those "why" moments. It turns out, according to a Farmer's Almanac blog post, that hundreds of years ago, farmers had to prepare their own sealants (this was before commercial varnishes or paints were available) to protect their barns from the natural elements. They apparently used linseed oil, which is an orange-colored oil. To this oil, the Farmer's Almanac blog post reports, farmers often added other things such as milk and lime, as well as ferrous oxide (rust). The rust supposedly killed fungi and moss that would otherwise have grown on the barns. These days, there are obviously commercial paints available, but red prevailed as the traditional color.

The thing about asking questions, though, is that you need to know how to find the answer. These days, you can always Google your question. And you might - I say might - come up with a reliable answer. But you also need to know where else to look (I mean other than Wikipedia), as well as which types of sources are reliable ones (again, other than Wikipedia). Those are skills I also learned as a journalist.

So my journalism education, as preparation for eventually becoming a physician-scientist, was definitely not a waste. I can easily see that. Some of the more painful things that have happened recently, I am only beginning to understand their meaning to me. It will take time. Years, perhaps, to fully understand it. But I hold onto this belief, that nothing is wasted, because I have seen it borne out in my life, and in the lives of others. It is how I make sense of the constant chaos. And I believe that is what beliefs are meant to do.

Change Of Plans

According to my plan, I was supposed to take the MCAT this coming Thursday, June 21. According to my plan, I was going to submit my medical school application this month, do interviews this fall/winter, and matriculate in the fall of 2013. 

Life, however, does not always go according to plan. 

The last 15 months have been some of the most difficult of my life. I have had successes and joys, yes, especially in the academic realm. But there has been much loss and sadness as well. Some of that (such as my divorce) I have written about here on this blog. Due to everything that has been going on, I have decided to postpone my application by a year. 

This is not me giving up. I don't give up. I can't, and won't, not after all I have accomplished and gone through to get where I am now. I look at this not as a failure, but as a success - as me knowing myself, knowing what I need to do for myself, to be the best MD/PhD applicant I can be. 

I do have a plan for the upcoming year. I will be working part time at the UIC lab where I worked for the last two summers. I will also be doing freelance writing and editing for the Joint Commission Resources, which is the for-profit arm of the Joint Commission, which accredits hospitals. So I will both be earning money and learning about hospital standards and procedures, which will be good.

Is this what I wanted to happen? Not exactly. But it is what needs to happen. And I look forward to what the coming year will bring.

No Rest For The Wicked

Well, I don't know that I'm "wicked," per se ... I hope not, at least! But there has definitely been no rest for me lately. Which is why I haven't posted in ages. (And for that I apologize to my readers.)

Here is what has been going on ...

Saturday, May 5, I graduated with my second bachelor's degree, a Bachelor of Medical Science, from Dominican University. I walked in the graduation ceremony; I felt like that would make the whole two-year post-bac experience - and graduating - more "real," if that makes sense. My parents and my boyfriend came to the ceremony, so that was nice.

Yes, you read that right ... I have a boyfriend! We've been dating for about six weeks now, and things are going very well on that front. The whole online dating thing really DOES work!

But back to school. I finished out my program with a 3.95 cumulative GPA, for which I am quite proud. Not quite the 4.0 I was hoping for, but not too shabby. I wound up with an A- in both Biochemistry and Organic Chemistry II, definitely the two hardest classes I've taken in my program. And quite difficult by reputation, as well. Given that I got divorced in March, and that my grandma became very ill in April, I am satisfied with my performance. Along with my 3.94 GPA from my initial Journalism undergrad at UIUC, I'm at the top of the hill, for the most part, in terms of grades. Which is good, considering how competitive MD/PhD programs are.

I apply to medical school next month, which is a trial in itself. The application process is incredibly arduous, in terms of entering all your coursework and grades, biographical information, arranging for transcripts, getting your letter of recommendation writers to submit their letters on time, polishing your essays and extracurricular activities blurbs ... it's like a full-time job. And given everything else that's on my plate right now, I'm a little stressed about it. Because in addition to the application, I'm taking the MCAT on June 21, and need to continue to prep for that.

Also, I'm moving. Which is always fun, right?! I'm moving in with my mom, which I mentioned in a previous post as a possibility. And it's come to fruition. It's not ideal; obviously I'd rather keep my own place. But I simply can't afford it, given the expense of applying to medical school (several thousand dollars, literally), future interview expenses (hopefully!), etc.

Not to mention that I currently don't have any income, since all I keep getting from my job application efforts are rejections, and my school loan money has almost run out. Thankfully, I do have a tentative part-time job opportunity at the UIC lab where I worked that last two summers. I met with the PI there a couple of weeks ago, and when I asked him for suggestions on where to apply for lab jobs, he said he would be willing to hire me part time, assuming he could scrape together the money. He is talking with the grants administration people, and hopefully getting back to me soon on that. What's nice about working there, with a boss who would be completely supportive of my goals, is that it would be no problem for me to take a few days off for med school interviews now and again. That was one of the things I was really worried about in finding a job, given that most places don't give you any vacation time until after you've worked there for some months, maybe even a year. And I couldn't exactly keep calling in sick ... I'd eventually get fired, definitely. So this is a best case scenario, in terms of logistics.

In summary, MCAT, moving, and job hunt ... all of these things are definitely keeping me on my toes. Thankfully, we journalists are trained to deal with high-stress situations, so I'm handling things pretty well, and staying on task.

Well, I better get back to it. I move on Monday (Memorial Day ... a day to remember for sure!), and I haven't packed a single thing. At least I've bought the boxes. Although they're still in my car. I better change that, and soon.

Wish me luck!

One Word Turn-Offs

I realized today, as I flipped through profiles on the online dating site where I am a  member, that I cannot date someone who is unable to spell everyday words correctly. Here is why.

I completely believe in putting your best foot forward. For example, if you have a job (or medical school) interview, you wear an appropriate suit. Not flip-flops, not Bermuda shorts, not a T-shirt. In the online dating world, this means writing a good profile. And by "good" I don't mean Pulitzer Prize-winning writing. I mean something honest, sincere, maybe with a little humor, if that fits your style. But it also means, in my book, spelling things right. If you don't, that suggests one of three things to me:

1) You are lazy

2) You are unprofessional

3) You are uneducated

Or at the worst, perhaps all three. And pardon me if I don't want to be with a guy who is uneducated, unprofessional, and lazy. My standards are a little higher than that at this point in my life. 

As I said, I'm not looking for amazing writing. This has nothing to do whatsoever with content (I won't get into that). But sloppiness, when it comes to language, makes me cringe. Fine examples that I found today (and just today!) include:

- One guy spelled "Chicago" wrong. No, I'm not kidding. I wish I were.

- When he meant to talk about his "role" model, another guy used the word "roll." I realize that homophones (words that have the same pronunciation, but different meanings) can be confusing. But "role model" is a pretty commonly used phrase.

- One profile question asks what you are looking for in a partner. One guy mentioned that he wanted somone funny and "quick whited." I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about bleached blond hair here ... or was he?

I know this doesn't bother everyone, but words, as well as how people use (or abuse) them, matter to me. And I'm looking for someone who understands that, at least on a basic level.

My First Research Symposium

One thing I have learned about "being" in science is that it involves poster presentations. Some people like them, some people hate them, but they are a part of the job. I saw my mentor and supervisor at UIC, Olga, make several posters (to present at various conferences) while I was working there. And for the Drosophila genetics conference, Dr. Kreher made one as well (which I wrote about earlier, and which included me as a secondary author!). 

Today, I will present my first and very own poster at Dominican University's "Undergraduate Research, Scholarship, and Creative Investigations Expo" ("URSCI" for short). This is an annual event at Dominican, where students from across different disciplines present their research work through both presentations and posters. For the poster portion, which is what I am doing, you have a designated time that you are supposed to stand by your poster and explain it / answer questions about it to anyone who is interested. While this might make some people nervous, I am really excited about the opportunity. I love talking about science (obviously), and I am also adept at explaining it in more basic language for people who might not be familiar with the concepts or procedures. That is one thing I learned well in journalism - you have to know your audience. So I know how to tailor my explanation, based on the people with whom I am talking.

The title of my poster is "Antibiotic Resistance of E. coli to Rifampicin and the Mutagenic Effects of Caffeine." The work stems from a project I did in my Research Methods in Molecular Biology class, which I took last spring with Dr. Kreher. (I am currently working in his genetics lab with the fruit fly larvae.) 

It was a fascinating project, and it had two components. As a class, we reproduced the experiments done in the late 1980s by two researches, Jin and Gross. They investigated how E. coli develop antibiotic resistance to a drug called rifampicin, which is used for tuberculosis. Based on their research, and previous work, they determined that rifampicin inhibits the bacteria's RNA polymerase (which is what transcribes mRNA, which is later used to synthesize proteins). That's bad for the bacteria, because without the necessary cellular proteins, the bacteria will die. But Jin and Gross also discovered that the bacteria can develop, at a particular rate, specific mutations in the gene (rpoB) encoding for a particular subunit of its RNA polymerase. These mutations allow the bacteria to survive treatment with rifampicin. 

We repeated Jin and Gross's experiments, growing E. coli on agar plates containing rifampicin (as well as another antibiotic, carbenicillin, to which our bacteria had been engineered with a resistance gene, so that only the bacteria we were studying would grow - no random bacteria from the environement would grow, because the carbenicillin would kill it). We were able to generate resistant bacterial colonies as well, and sequenced their DNA. In comparing the sequenced DNA to the wild-type rpoB (RNA polymerase) gene, we found some of the same nucleotide mutations as Jin and Gross, as well as a couple of mutations that were unique to our experiments.

The second part of the project was to choose a substance - any substance within reason, that could be procured at a store or from a chemical supply company - and see how that affected the mutation rate. Each student (there were eight of us in the class) had to choose something different. I chose to work with caffeine, which is a suspected mutagen, based on some scientific literature that I found. So my hypothesis was that treating the bacteria with caffeine would increase the rate of mutation, and hence the rate of antibiotic resistance. I tested two concentrations of caffeine, 1 mg/mL and 3 mg/mL. What I found was very interesting - not only did the caffeine fail to increase the mutation rate, it actually (especially at the higher concentration) killed much of the E. coli! So I did some more literature research, and found that caffeine has been shown to also have an antimicrobial effect on E. coli. Who would've thought?! 

I absolutely love science. You don't always get what you expect, in terms of results (I certainly didn't), but you usually learn something. And that's the point: discovery.